First, a little profile business. I recently added this to my “about my match” section:
PS: You don’t send winks. If you’re interested, you take the time to write telling me why.
Happily, the deluge of guys who wink but aren’t confident enough to write a damned email has subsided.
Not-so-happily, this means I get emails from people like username: sexyguy2luv. Do I even need to tell you my reaction to his user ID? (retching quietly into a corner) Get a load of this introductory email:
Subject: Hi
I wish I could see through your eyes so I would know what you like to see. I wish I knew your wishes, so I could give you everything you want. I wish I dreamed the same dreams you do, and together we could make them come true. I wish I knew what makes you happy, so I could make you the happiest person in the whole world. And lastly, I wish I were a cell in your blood, so I would be sure I was somewhere in your heart..i came across of your profile and i couldnt hold back emailing you..i know you will be alot curious about our age difference but i should tell you that when love exist age doesnt count.. love is what counts i would like to know you more about you..you can get back to me on my personal email which isfirst_last1234@yahoo.com
Waiting to read back from you
FirstName.
You can’t make this stuff up, folks. Well, okay, I could. But that’s only from getting the gen-u-ine article so many times that I know what a really, really bad match email sounds like. I was giggling about this one with a friend, and she made the same observation I’d already had: not only is this a way-too-pukey-in-your-face initial email, it’s not even personal. How much do you want to bet that this idiot sent the same email to four or five different women?
Upon pulling up his profile, it gets better (and by “better” I mean “worse”):
Age: 44
Marital Status: Never married
Gee, surprised, anyone? When I meet a man over 40 who’s never married, I look closely. There’s usually a reason.
Height: 5’5″
I feel mildly bad pointing this one out, purely because it’s not. his. fault. that he’s a small man.
Politics: Ultra-conservative
What part of “I’m liberal” do you not understand?
The introductory text is almost as saccharine as his email. It’s all fluffy bunnies, moonlit walks on the beach, and sharing a bowl of ice cream — or maybe our innermost thoughts! In other words, there is absolutely no substance whatsoever. There is, however, a great deal that hints that this man still holds a very starry-eyed view of what it means to be female. We’re to sit on pedastals, you see.
Then we get to the photos. Assuming the photos are honestly his, he’s cute. I’ll give him that much. He looks a good 10+ years younger than his stated age. But, included among the photos is a shirtless pic. These are a nitpick of mine. If you include a shirtless photo, it’d damned well better be in context. Be skiing. Sitting on the beach with a tasty beverage. Sailing on your boat (which you include to ensure any woman realizes how $money$ you are, baby). But posed, in your back yard? Dude, I. Do. Not. Know. You. Put your chest away, already.
It’s been sixish weeks since I changed my mind and made my match profile visible again. I’m already getting close to blowing match off. Again. Cynicism just shouldn’t come so easily to me, but the longer I spend time on match, the more I feel the need to take a nice long shower to rid myself of smarm.
***shudder***
Added: I sigh with sadness and realize that according to my own standards of matchdom, I must reply. Winks, I can ignore. E-mails, I at least send a polite “no.”
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Are you saying that I wish I were a cell in your blood isn’t a good pick-up line??? Because in my book, that line is GOLD!
At the very least, and per your last post, it makes good use of the subjunctive mood.
Umm…. I think we already tried out one of these in college. I recall a double date in Galveston where the fountain of contrived romanticisms abruptly dried up when he got the bill for dinner.
Excuse me…I think I threw up in my mouth a little.
Allison, please include copies of your replies to emails like his… it’s too good.
Did I mention I met my last ex-wife on Matchmaker.com?
Ack. I just wandered back over to match, because I have a couple other replies to send to some actual nice (as opposed to “nice”) men who’ve written, but who sadly, don’t ring my bell.
I noticed the headline for Mr. Leonard (damn, Idodoodle…I was trying to forget that night so long ago): I AM A LONELY MAN IN SEARCH OF A TRUE SOUL MATE…
Lonely. Why could he possibly be lonely?
Back on that date eons ago, I remember playing cards in the hallway on the second floor, when the same dorm rat informed me that before that night was over, he would kiss me. I got up and said GOOD NIGHT. Talk about throwing up in your mouth a little.
Hugo, I took the easy way out on this one and clicked the “tell him ‘no thanks’” button, then selected at least four different reasons why I’m not interested in him. It’s a pity, because I could probably have fun composing a take-down.
Oh, and Fred? Since the dawn of time, my soul has desperately searched for yours. Now that we’ve met, I feel complete. You are my heart, my fire, and my inspiration. (cue Chicago, circa 1984)
Al, I am truly disappointed. How in the hell do you ever expect to collect a proper stable of Cabana Boys – or middle-aged man-children – if you do not play along a little?
Doesn’t the old standby, “I’m not paying you to think, dear,” mean anything these days?
Why, back in my day….
Oh, who am I kidding! Sending batteries, STAT!
[...] Not long ago, I added a not-so-subtle hint to my profile that any man who’s actually interested in me should write, not wink. I still got winks. Several. [...]