If you’ve stopped by much at all lately, you know my blogging has dwindled down to pretty much nil — especially since I moved to Santa Fe.
While I *could* blame this on the upcoming wedding, that’s not it. I’ve realized something — I have no time to myself.
What? Wait a second, don’t you normally grouse about having no adult company ever because of working from home? Sure, that’s true. I’m alone all day. But that time is filled with other obligations: work (first and foremost), daily house-stuff, duties that require business hours, etc. If I spend time during the day contemplating my navel, a severe case of guilt ensues. So, I work, but not nearly as well/efficiently as I should. Then the afternoon arrives, and I feel a sense of relief (no more guilt at half-assed work; the day’s over!) as I go to pick up Maya. From there, I’m distracted by a 2-year-old (great distraction tool) from my own thoughts. With that particular cute distraction hanging from my legs, I strain to get some dinnerish food together while keeping her from feeling ignored — after all, she’s been away from me all day.
By the time Mike comes in, I’m fairly desperate for something. It could be some time with Maya when I don’t need to be doing something else (dinner, for instance). It could be that I need some time to myself to simply think and work out what’s going on in my head. The problem is, we (as a couple) also need time together — but I find that I’m there, but with issues. Because I haven’t taken the time to figure out what’s going on in my own head, they (the issues and thoughts I’ve ignored day after day) bubble to the surface and color every interaction we have.
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Added: This should have been fairly obvious to me, but hey…remember, I’m not giving myself time to introspect much these days. By the time Mike comes home, my immediate need (extrovert that I am) is for time around another adult. That trumps my need for time with myself. Since he’s an introvert (and has been around people, if not interacting with them) all day, he doesn’t necessarily need the same. On top of that, as much as his 45 minutes each way commute is a pain, it does give him some time for thinking. And I wonder why it seems like every night turns into a Conversation?
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This, invariably leads to a “capital-C” Conversation. You know, these are the ones where we’re supposed to be actively listening to each other and improving our relationshiop. The problem is, because I don’t get (or take) the time to get inside my own head, I’m pretty inept about explaining my needs, since I don’t even know them myself.
Maybe I only felt so emotionally healthy before moving simply because I had at least an hour or so every night/day in which I could yank thoughts out of my head and turn them into concepts. These days, I’m feeling somewhat like a feather in the wind, and it’s frustrating, because I know how I *normally* am, and how I should be.
I’ve got to find a way to make my life sustainable. This ain’t it.
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Hey, congrats on the upcoming wedding!! Sorry the Pete and I won’t be able to make it, but we sincerely appreciate the invite (the invitations are lovely, btw).
I understand yours and Mike’s dilemna concerning introvert/extrovert. Maybe you could spend some time first thing in the morning journaling? This would clear your head before work/house duties, and allow you to get in touch with yourself better. It sounds like it’s important, not only for you, but for your daughter and fiance as well, to make time for yourself. Think of it as your daily “meditation/devotional” time or whatever, but without all that self-imposed guilt and religiousness. Instead of doing it cause you HAVE to, think of it as “getting to spend time alone with myself.”
Hope you’re doing okay in these final days leading up to the big day!
xoxo
Allison it’s very important to make time for yourself! And, as wonderful (yay!) as your new relationship is it is still a change from raising your daughter by yourself and everything being about either her or you. Now you WANT to make time for Mike but maybe somehow you are getting lost a bit in the process? Don’t let that happen! I just got into your blog as soon as you stopped writing which was horrible b/c I loved reading what you had to say! So that would be great if you could pick it back up…
! But honestly, I think you are experiencing what many wives/mothers do these days in trying to divy up time for everyone, including yourself. I finally joined Match (!) and it has only been a week and a half and I am already feeling guilty/frustrated with wanting to be with Skye all the time but also wanting to find a man for me to have as a partner (so put myself above my child — how do i do that??)! Good luck and keep writing — you are such an intersting writer and it is a shame if you don’t continue for us readers!
I just read over what I wrote and maybe I got it a bit wrong — it’s not about fitting everyone in but just getting your thoughts out. Don’t feel guilty about taking time to clear your head! You will be that much better of a wife/mother just by doing the simple task of getting your thoughts out, and most importantly will feel more grounded and like yourself. Because you ARE a writer, and need to write!
I have three kids (two who live at home), five stepkids, one partner, and I run a daycare in my home. My small home. And I’m more introvert than extrovert (though I’m very close to the middle). That’s a lot of crowding.
A few years back, I was miserable: I was lethargic, I didn’t want sex, conversations (which normally, I LOVE) exasperated me, I was irritable. Everything was So.Much.Work.
My partner, bless him, identified and diagnosed the problem. We arranged that I would have every Saturday to myself. From 8 or 9 in the morning, when I left the house, I was to do whatever I wanted, all day long.
I’d go to the library, I’d window shop, I’d take my laptop to a coffee shop. I’d be alone, just me and my thoughts. It made a world of difference.
I suspect there is time in your day for an hour to yourself (particularly once the wedding’s over). Or perhaps a block of time once or twice a week. Sounds to me like the trick is going to be *allowing* yourself the time, guilt-free. But you must, of course: for the sake of your relationship, for the sake of your emotional health. And I’m sure you will!
Chica. Lots of adjusting, not just to a new addition to your household & Miss M in daycare, but all the fun & frenzy that accompanies a wedding. Once that is behind you…it’s about finding balance. AND, I think it’s a continually evolving process. You need Maya time, couple time, and you time.
Given that I work FT, my immediate attention is G until bedtime and then I have TWO glorious hours of me/couple time. True much of that time is chores like cleaning, or running to the store for something, or catching up on email. But often DH and I will say, hey, on X day, after G goes to bed let’s have dinner together or watch a movie- so you have build in mini-dates and you plan your other demands accordingly. But then, this is after 10 yrs of partnership…and we could always use more “us” time. I can easily be chatting early morning/late night and DH is like ?!?!. He just wants to chill and not be serious or have any serious conversations.
Good luck on your journey- you’re not alone!