Attachment
From the comments on Hemant’s blog:
Reflecting over these events as an adult, I have come to the conclusion that deeply religious people are similar to individuals with personality disorders in that they simply cannot attach. They have learned to mimic the motions of normal human behavior but the hamster has left the wheel.
A little timeline:
- One week ago today, I got a positive result on an early (super early, like 10 days post-ovulation) pregnancy test.
- The weekend was a bit nasty in terms of the husband and I working out unexpected emotions re: said test — even though we were TRYING.
- By Monday, I warned the husband that with my temperature shift, I was fairly sure I was going to miscarry.
- Tuesday, I miscarried.
If I hadn’t been paying attention to symptoms, I’d have never even known I’d been pregnant in the first place. Annnnyway…
I had a meeting planned with my local counselor for Monday, and the timing couldn’t have been better — after a quick (eh, okay, long) rant from me about the weekend, I told her that I didn’t want to fuss about my husband, because hell…I can’t control him. I can, on the other hand, control me. What she pointed out that she sees in me is a bit of difficulty attaching. She also mentioned that she can see some of the same in my husband, but demonstrated in different ways (qualified that, of course, she only “knows” him through my stories).
So, me being me, I read. And read. And yeah, I saw some of myself — but not as much as I would have seen, say, 10 years ago.
Back to the quote from Hemant’s place, this comment really jumped off the page at me — as you might imagine, given my background and past week. I’m not looking for one more emotional issue to blame on religion (I have enough of those!), but it does shed a little light on myself as a younger person. I honestly think it took me until my early 30s (and my first work with a counselor — see the earliest posts of this blog) for me to learn to become a genuine, authentic person. Until then, I just kept role-playing, trying desperately to read what I was “supposed to be” and to try to “be that” (often unsuccessfully).
No conclusions from this. Just thinking out loud…
Back to my hole now. At some point, I should give an update on my life, huh? Or perhaps, answer the questions Sage asked me eons ago?
.
Well, I know it won’t make everything better – but I thought you should know that you already are everything you need to be RIGHT NOW. And when if you ever need to be something different – you will be. And you are absolutely deserving of all the love that the people in your life (me included) have to give.
I’m really sorry about the mc too. No matter what feelings you have about having another child right now – it’s still a big loss.
*sniff*
You know, your friendship means a great deal to me, and I’m still miffed that we didn’t get to talk more before we both moved away from Colorado!
This part: And when if you ever need to be something different – you will be. makes me think about how I’ve handled parenting. Now, if I could just cut myself slack in the rest of my life, I’d be golden!
I am thinking of you, Allison. I am very sorry for your loss.
I want you to know that I think about your words a lot, especially when dealing with my father who uses Christianity to justify his anger at the world. (Side note: we got into a fight last night, so that stuff has been weighing on me very heavily lately). Thank you for your insight, my dear blogging friend.