The New, True, Eudaimonic You

Eudaimonia refers to a state of well-being and full functioning that derives from a sense of living in accordance with one’s deeply held values—in other words, from a sense of authenticity. Some characteristics of the eudaimonic life include:

• Being open to experience without censorship or distortion
• Living fully in the moment, so the self feels fluid rather than static
• Trusting inner experience to guide behavior
• Feeling free to respond rather than automatically react to life events
• Taking a creative approach to living, rather than relying on routine and habit.

Today’s focus at Psychology Today online is authenticity. The timing couldn’t be better, considering that much of my recent focus (in my head, even when not written up here) has been on trying to parse out reality from distortion, especially when it comes to my picture of myself.

You see, lately, I haven’t been enjoying being me much of the time. This isn’t an all-the-time phenomena, but it’s frequent enough that I’m puzzling over whether my life might need some big changes. Over the past 10+ years, authenticity has become the trait that I most desire in myself. Sometimes, that just means shedding away self-censorship and dancing without worry about who might see. Other times, it means recognizing and admitting — even embracing — parts of myself that aren’t so desirable. It’s this second item that has troubled me lately — troubled me enough that blogging has been sporadic at best. Yes, I’ve thrown up periodic parenting and political thoughts or humor, but that involves no risk. It doesn’t expose any of myself — at least not any tender spots.

Saying that I’m a cranky, mean, caustic bitch more often lately than I care to admit? That’s a little harder for me to swallow. But I’m a NICE person, damn it!

Last night, I was chatting with an online friend (hi, Linda!) about my lack of writing and how it’s affected my own mental state. As would seem obvious, she said, “Well, write, then.” “But, but…some people I know for REAL read this blog, even if it’s only every once in a while.” “Does that really matter?” (This is paraphrased. The actual exchange was much longer.) When I thought about it, I realized that no, it shouldn’t matter. Some of the issues I need to consider — ones that might hurt people’s pride and/or feelings — are important enough that I need to just dive in.

What this means is that things might be a little uncomfortable around here in the coming days/weeks/months while I try to get my head on straight. While I don’t like “uncomfortable,” I spent most of my childhood avoiding it, just to end up with severe depression in my mid-twenties. My sense is that in order to get the ugly to go away, I have to plow through it; there is no over or around.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.

Sorry for the vagueness. I’m still steeling myself to strip off all the veneer and get emotionally naked. (Hey, will that word raise my hit count?) Here’s hoping I can swim through without drowning in my own head!

Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
– Aldous Huxley

Google “IUD Depression”

So Joy told me, and so I did. And damn. Just…DAMN. I screwed up, folks. When da Man told me that the Mirena is low dose ONLY delivered locally, I believed it. I didn’t do my due dilligence. Again…I fucked up.

What?

Oh, right. May 19th — I had a Mirena IUD fitted. I loved the idea of short or no periods — and since the hormones stay “local,” I wasn’t concerned about the side effects that I know MY body gives me from hormonal B/C. Within one week, I started having weird, dark thoughts and anxiety. 11 days after getting the Mirena, I had a full-blown anxiety episode. Yes, what I found were primarily anecdotes, but they sounded exactly like what I was experiencing. I read all weekend, and finally found one document from the Canadian division of Bayer that suggested that Mirena might be a bad idea for people who’ve experienced “psychiatric episodes, especially those of a depressive nature” — to a point where the Mirena may need to be removed.

Well, well, well. Document from Bayer in hand, I went to my 2-week check-up, and requested (okay, insisted) that the thing be removed. My NP had never experienced this side effect before, and was glad I’d brought documentation. She said she’d bring this up at the next staff meeting — so that even if my side effects were rare (I was the first she’d seen), at least they’d know they’re in the universe of possibility.

Within a few days I started to feel better. At about a week, I darned near felt normal again, I thought. At 10 days, I wanted to shoot myself.

I’d been warned. Along with all the anecdotal hoo-hah about Mirena side effects were horror stories of the “Mirena Crash” — this low, low point that could occur 1-1/2 to 2 weeks post removal, in the time between the loss of the synthetic progesterone’s loss and the body’s notice to start producing on its own. Yet, still, I had (have) no idea how long this crash might last. And what if this isn’t a crash, but the hormonal changes started an avalanche of symptoms that now can’t be stopped? What if I spent a year hating mornings and wanting to strange my 3-year-old? Or ready to punch a wall when the baby just. wouldn’t. sleep?

I broached it to Mike. In reality, I wept and sobbed to Mike, making a sad, sad case that “I know I’ll be fine. I know what it is, so I can push through it.” Somehow, hearing that along with the idea that I thought my kids deserved more (and that was the brightest, sunniest of my dark thoughts), didn’t convince him. “Please,” he said. “Please go see the doctor tomorrow. Go before I leave for D.C.”

And I did. And I wonder why I waited so long. You have no idea how bad you feel until you just don’t feel bad anymore. Heck, I might even say, I FEEL GOOD.

Effexor is a real bitch to discontinue. But she’s MY bitch again. And I’m glad. At least this time, when the time comes, I know what to expect: that it will take months of slowly ramping down and a switch to other drugs before Ms. E lets me be.

But you know what? It’s still worth it. Already, I’m more myself. Cliches and all.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness.
– Robertson Davies

Treasures from unhappiness. It makes an odd sort of sense to me, especially considering how my last several weeks have gone. On the 26th of May, I began to show symptoms of anxiety and/or postpartum depression (PPD). On the 27th, I had such a difficult time concentrating, that I decided to push off the grad program from my planned June 2 start date. I mean, if I couldn’t concentrate enough to write my entrance essay, how the &^%$ did I think I’d do grad work? On the 30th, I had a full-blown panic/anxiety attack, complete with fears I’d end up rocking in a corner somewhere in an institution.

Thankfully, I have a good friend who stepped in to my cry of “HELP!” and talked me back into reality, made me promise to go see a doctor about meds for PPD, and generally helped me step away from the cliff’s edge. After we got off the phone, I was simply exhausted — but at least back into my own skin.

Within half an hour, she called back with a command. “Google ‘IUD Depression’.”

to be continued…

Thought: I am physically attracted to my partner.
Task: Think of one physical attribute you like.

Mmmmm. Yes. I’ll just pick one. Or two. Or three.

Mike has a smile that could stop traffic, complete with laugh lines that indicate a long-held sense of humor about life. From the very first phone call, I’ve loved his voice. When you put those together, you get a laugh that could melt the coldest blizzard…a perfect storm of attraction. Yum.

Thought: I can easily remember romantic, special times in our marriage.
Task: Pick one such time and think about it.

I skipped this yesterday. Somehow, even though I know it would help my attitude, it’s kind of tough to build up motivation do do this when deep down, you want to throttle your husband. I got over it. Ah, mawidge.

On with the exercise:

On our first *real* date (ie, alone, no child along), Mike and I had dinner together at a lovely Indian restaurant in the Cherry Creek area of Denver. The setting was fantastic, and for the first time, we were able to have a meal complete with adult conversation uninterrupted by a toddler. Bliss.

So, what did we talk about? Why, parenting, of course. (Figures. The whole eight days we spent in Costa Rica without Maya? We talked about her all. the. time. You don’t know how much you’re going to miss your kids. Maya, on the other hand didn’t ask for me a single time.) Ahem…where was I? Right, parenting.

Mike started to tell me his philosophy on raising children — one which centered largely on letting a child be who they are, and supporting them as they find their own way, rather than pushing them to conform to some preconceived notion he might have had. For some people, this might not have qualified as romantic. For me, I was nearly in tears. I’ve got an amazing man on my hands, did you know that?

Thought: I can easily speak of the good times in our marriage.
Task: Pick one good time and write a sentence about it.

Little romantic gestures don’t come naturally to my INTP spouse (who sees them as vaguely ridiculous), but knowing that I’ve said I enjoy flowers, he showed up the other night with a bright bouquet. The flowers are lovely; but, his willingness to listen to the little things I’ve told him can help me feel loved…priceless.

In other words, individuals who are said to have an internal locus of control believe that they control their own destiny and that they make things happen, while those with an external locus of control believe that their successes, failures and other events in their lives are caused by luck or fate, and that circumstances are beyond their control.

There are advantages and disadvantages with both, but secular psychology generally considers an internal locus of control the healthier position of the two. Those with an internal locus of control tend to take more responsibility for their behaviour, while those with an external locus of control tend to be more anxious about the world around them.

Read the rest here.

Day 1

Thought: I am genuinely fond of my partner.
Task: List one characteristic you find endearing or lovable.

This is easy. I *am* genuinely fond of my husband. Do I only get to list one characteristic?

Mike has a wacky, irreverent sense of humor, and he applies it to our marriage, parenting…pretty much any place where we might otherwise be at risk of taking ourselves too seriously. In the parenting area, this is especially fun — I’ve had this sort of attitude all along, but the only place I’ve had to talk about it was in my daughter’s blog (which is woefully out of date, and I’m considering switching to something that is a family site instead). While it was fun to write about my own offbeat approach to parenting and to get comments from strangers and online friends, it’s sooooo much better to share parenting with someone who *gets* me.

The other morning, we had a disagreement — maybe not even a disagreement, but just a discussion left unfinished — about discipline. I found myself hemming and hawwing (are those words?) about my perceived disconnect for a while. Later, as I thought more rationally about our approach to discipline, I had a forehead-slapping DUH moment in which I realized that I was really splitting hairs. While we might not have been on exactly the same measure of music, we were on the same page, singing the same song. What was I nit-picking about? We have a blast becoming Maya’s parents together (even though I’m finding it difficult to loosen the control I’ve been used to exclusively holding), and it’s going to be exciting again when we have a child together someday.

Having someone who “gets” me so well is quite a rush.

As I attempt to be good at this whole marriage thing (or at least not horrifically bad), I’ve done what I normally do when confronted with something new: I read. My husband has been a tad mocking of my affinity for self-help books (seems that’s mostly what I’m reading lately), but hell…if they actually allow me to help myself, are they all that bad?

Today’s self-help gem comes from John Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. When I first picked this one up, Mike nearly headed into a panic, thinking of Gottman’s other work on what makes marriages succeed or fail. What if I read that our marriage has the attributes of the ones that fail? Would I give up on him/us? While that might seem a bit outlandish — overreaching, even — let me remind you that marriage is hard. A marriage in which the couple have only known each other a matter of months, not years? Even harder.

Anyway, there was no need to fear. This particular book focuses not on what makes marriages fail (though it does give examples of “don’ts”), but instead on things that a couple can do to strengthen their bond. Mmmmm…bonds. Bonds could be good. *slapping self* Right. Anyway.

Principle 2 from this book: Nurture your fondness and admiration. Boy, now if that isn’t a duh-factor suggestion, I don’t know what is. But, honestly, as I’ve read this chapter, I can already see places where I can consciously make an effort to do my part at creating a happy, strong marriage. One of the exercises from this chapter includes seven weeks of five-days-per-week exercises for helping myself to nurture fondness and affection toward my spouse. To me, it looks like a good opportunity for regular blogging. Hence, my first self-assigned meme of the new blog: A Seven-Week Course in Fondness and Admiration.

This exercise is designed to get you into the habit of thinking positively about your partner when you’re apart. If you are angry, stressed, or feeling distant from your spouse, you may tend to focus on his or her negative characteristics. This leads to distress-maintaining thoughts, which in trun leave you feeling ever more distant and isolated in your marriage. This exercise counteracts that tendency by training you to focus your thoughts on your partner’s positive characteristics, even if you aren’t having such a great day together.

By the time I reached this point in the exercise description, I was energetically (and guiltily) nodding to myself. Um, oops.

For each day below there is a positive statement or thought, followed by a task. Think about each statement and say it to yourself many times throughout the day while you and your spouse are apart. In some cases, the thought may not seem to apply to your spouse or to your marriage, especially if your fondness and admiration have dimmed. Keep in mind that the statement does not have to describe the typical state of affairs between you at the present time. If you can think of a single moment or episode where the statement applied, focus on that memory. For example, if you’re not feeling overly attracted to your spouse these days, focus on one area of his or her anatomy that does appeal to you. Also, be sure to complete the simple task that follows each positive statement. Do the exercise each day, no matter how you happen to be feeling about your relationship or your spouse. Don’t stop even if you just had a major blow-up or are feeling very distant from each other.

Although this exercise may sound silly or hokey (A: may? definitely), it is based on a wide body of research into the power of rehearsing positive thoughts. This approach is one of the tenets of cognitive therapy, which has proven highly successful in helping people overcome depression. When people fall into a depression, their thinking may become disordered (A: gee, ya think?) — they see everything in an extremely negative light, which just adds to their sense of hopelessness. But if, over time, they deliberately accustom their mind to a different, positive way of thinking, the sense of hopelessness can be lifted.

I can definitely attest to the truth of this philosophy, at least based on my own experience. Reading Bill Glassman’s Choice Theory shaped my thinking in many ways — but reading his follow-up book, Warning: Psychiatry May Be Hazardous to Your Mental Health, really drove home the point that in many ways, whether consciously or not, I’m choosing to be depressed when I’m down. It’s helped me to avoid depressions since then — and to recognize them when they were getting too strong for me to overcome by positive thoughts alone.

In essence, you are what you think. Back to the exercise instructions:

This exercise is an experiment of offering the same hope to marriage. What you’re really doing is rehearsing a more positive way to think about your partner and your relationship. Like any rehearsal, if you do it often enough, the words (and more importantly, the thoughts) will become second nature.

Alrighty, then. On with the show.