A few years ago, I first started to actively reconnect with my own Sprituality, but bucked hard at the idea of Christianity, because I felt like in order to consider it, I had to lose myself. One Sunday afternoon in May, 2003, this is what came into my head from “seemingly” nowhere:

You have stayed away from Me and run away from Me because you were afraid that I would make you change into someone different. You think you know who that would be, and you see her as boring, drab, and deprived of life, interest, and excitement.

I haven’t come to change you into anyone other than who you are. I have come to peel away the layers that you have surrounded yourself with, and to remove the veils that encircle you one at a time, until you stand before me naked, exposed, and utterly gorgeous. And utterly you. I didn’t create you, Allison, to be a shy, drab church mouse. Why would I create your sparkling personality just to then tell you to be something other than who you are? I don’t work that way. I had great things in mind when I created you, and if you will just let Me, I’ll blow your mind with how different your relationship with Me will be than you’ve ever imagined.

Like I wrote the other day, I was made to dance. If I’d just remember that (and stop trying to run), I’d be a much more relaxed human being, don’tcha think? My feelings about Christianity are still rather ambivalent, but that doesn’t change the message. Whether words like these come from God, from The Great Spirit, or merely from my higher self, they’re just as meaningful.

 
Seven Caring Habits
Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences

 
Seven Deadly Habits
Criticizing
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Bribing or rewarding to control

 
The Ten Axioms of Choice Theory
1.  The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.
2.  All we can give another person is information.
3.  All long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems.
4.  The problem relationship is always part of our present life.
5.  What happened in the past has everything to do with what we are today, but we can only satisfy our basic needs right now and plan to continue satisfying them in the future.
6.  We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World.
7.  All we do is behave.
8.  All behavior is Total Behavior and is made up of four components: acting, thinking, feeling and physiology.
9.  All Total Behavior is chosen, but we only have direct control over the acting and thinking components. We can only control our feeling and physiology indirectly through how we choose to act and think.
10. All Total Behavior is designated by verbs and named by the part that is the most recognizable.

I found out on Tuesday that as I’ve just “known” all along, little bit is indeed a baby girl. I can’t wait to meet her.

Since she didn’t cooperate very well with the ultrasound, I don’t have much in the way of pictures — just one very fuzzy face shot and one of the “girl parts.” The “parts” picture isn’t as clear as I’d like, but a clearer shot was on the video, and I’m satisfied that it really IS a girl. Merrie tells me that apparently the folks at Specialists in Women’s Health have NEVER been wrong.

For names, I expect to keep a short list, and to give her the name that best fits after she’s born. Right now, the name that’s sticking with me is Abigail, called “Abbie.” I have reservations about one of the name’s meanings (Father’s Joy…more than a little awkward in this situation?), but the others — Source of Joy, Joy of the Lord are just perfect. Other names sorta-kinda in the running: Isabelle, Gabriela, Haley, Audrey. Abbie’s just the one that for now seems *right*.

Everything in me said “FIVE DAYS AWAY! I can’t commit to that YET!” I told him yes, anyway. Gotta learn to plan sometime, right?

By the way, Dave *does* know. I decided to be honest with him about why I cancelled the first date. It’s only fair, and knowing he’s an F…I didn’t want him to think it was about *him.*

My counselor recommended the book, “Boundaries,” by Cloud and Townsend to me last week, and I picked up a copy at the library.

This is tying together many of the questions that I’ve had about my own life, and many of my mixed feelings about my parents. The lack of boundaries between me and my parents is fairly clear to me in many ways, and over the past several years, I’ve been trying to learn to develop them, both unconsciously (pulling away, saying “no”) and consciously (understanding what boundaries are and actively trying to create my own limits).

This also ties in to my feelings about money and my lack of confidence that I can take care of myself. There were several examples in the book of the adult child whom a parent has “bailed out” on several ocassions. With each example, I felt myself wince and slip a little lower in my chair — it sounds so familiar, except that I haven’t been the one going to them asking for help. Yet, at the same time, when the “help” has been offered, I’ve taken it. I keep feeling like the message I’ve been given is that I’m not good enough to make it alone, and that until I’m married (and have someone else capaple who will take care of me), that they feel that it’s their job.

Resenting that won’t get me very far. But at the same time, I’m really unsure of how to not feel this way. I’ve learned that “willpower” isn’t the way to go, just as the book has said it wouldn’t be. All that does is make me sink in my own esteem a little more when once again, I fail to set boundaries with MYSELF. So what is the answer? The short answer is, “don’t accept any more charity from them,” but it’s really not quite that simple. My own financial state is really just a symptom of something much deeper, something that has been going on for some time. I really wish that way back when…once upon a time, when I first had a credit card bill of $500 to pay off, that they would have just sat down and coached me on budgeting and counseling… Okay…again, this isn’t about what I wish they would or wouldn’t have done. What can *I* do that will change the situation?

Emotionally, I still find I have a very difficult time doing work for my father, and I’m not entirely sure how that fits in with this, except that I know it does. I end up disregarding the boundaries known as “deadlines,” and fail to set boundaries with Dad about when is acceptable for him to call me about work, and when is not. Somehow, when I say that I will “do work for him,” he seems to act as if he then owns my time. He called me on Thursday night, when I happened to be at Lani’s house preparing dinner. When I said where I was, he suggested that perhaps I shouldn’t be out “doing things” when I hadn’t finished a project for him.

Bullshit. If I’m putting in the hours that I have told him I will put in, he has no right to tell me what I should do with my time otherwise. Really, thinking about that, it kind of pisses me off. So, rules…I suppose that as little as I like “set schedules,” the answer to this (other than quitting work for him and moving on, again, leaving the issue there unaddressed) is to set office hours, when I will and will not be available to him for work. He can call me about work during those times and only those times. Of course, this means setting some limits for myself…which again, is what I seem to have a hard time doing.

I’m running out of steam here for now…but am also feeling very irritated that I will stay in Colorado Springs rather than move to Austin, as I’d hoped with a PhD program. It’s not about Colorado Springs this time, though, but about wanting some distance between me and my parents, specifically my dad. Funny how none of this is about Mom, other than when she acts as his mouthpiece (ie, calling to say, have you finished his project).

If I knew that there was a good position out there that I could take on, I think I would like to not work for Dad, at least not until I figure out all of the boundary issues there.

I’ve been a little neglectful in updating this over the past few days, so now I’m going to have to give a synopsis of what’s up in my life.

Last Wednesday (January 21), I discovered that I am pregnant. I shocked myself with my immediate thought, “call Planned Parenthood.” Within a couple days I knew…there is no way that I could have an abortion, even a “medical abortion” (the pill) and live with myself about it. Let’s face it, I’m going to be a mother.

Over the past few days, I’ve gone through a whirlwind of emotions, up and back again. The one that’s settled on to me this afternoon is “Blind Panic.” I sent in a resume for a job that I’m overqualified for, but for a company (a builder) that I would LOVE to work for: John Laing Homes. It’s a Marketing Assistant job, reporting to the Marketing Coordinator, so I’m betting the pay is quite low. The benefits would be good, and the company…well, I really respect the company.

Overall, I feel that I will need to leave real estate. I haven’t put together a pipeline for myself enough to support myself and the medical bills that I’m about to encounter. While RE could support that, MY real estate business right now can’t. I have no one to blame for that but me. Dad has suggested that there is quite a lot of work that I could do for him, and I sense that I would be able to work for him fulltime. At the rate he pays, it would make so much sense, even though I don’t enjoy the work as much. Maybe I could find a different part-time job elsewhere to fill in for me socially?

Gotta run…more to come…

This one “found” me during the 2-3 days that I had my username in the Yahoo! Directory (around Thanksgiving). Boy was THAT a mistake. I hadn’t heard from him in quite a while, and if I remember correctly, I couldn’t get him into anything approaching REAL conversation then, either. If you want to see a pretty typical example of a Sensor conversation, this is it…not that they’re all this dim-witted, but that it doesn’t dawn on them to really think about anything beyond what they can feel/see/touch. Knowing this guy is in sales, I would bet that he’s ESTP.

It’s kind of fun to dumbfound them. I think he was genuinely shocked and confused that I said no. On the other hand, it would have been free beer, and at a loud bar, as long as he was cute, it wouldn’t matter. Then again, I think I’d rather clean house.

Snicker…

billcsco2002: hello
Allison: hey there
billcsco2002: what u up too tongiht
Allison: Eating dinner, listening to “This American Life” and reading online comics
billcsco2002: i am thinking about going to southside johnnies
billcsco2002: u dont have another pic do u?
Allison: Beyond my profile?
billcsco2002: yes
Allison: Click the link for “my web page”
billcsco2002: beyond,lol
Allison: There are a bunch there
billcsco2002: oh ok
billcsco2002: lets go out, i could use a beer,lol
Allison: *snort*
Allison: You had to check my pictures first. That’s amusing.
billcsco2002: huh,lol
billcsco2002: no no, now just loading
Allison: Well, whatever, I would need a shower first.
billcsco2002: me too
Allison: So, what did you have in mind?
billcsco2002: i nice place to get a drink
Allison: That could work. Johnny’s will be pretty loud for a first meetup, but it could be doable.
Allison: ANy idea who’s playing tonight?
billcsco2002: no no idea
Allison: Their site doesn’t say
Allison: Other than bands start at 9:30pm
billcsco2002: that is true
Allison: So, (evil grin)…
Allison: …give me a very, very good reason why I should meet you for a drink. I don’t know you, after all.
billcsco2002: well i am nice and cute,,ol
billcsco2002: there is 2
Allison: That’s pretty vague
Allison: Try again
billcsco2002: hmm, looking for a nice woman, to be friends with if more happens then ok
Allison: Tell me more about yourself again?
billcsco2002: i am in construction sales
billcsco2002: 32
billcsco2002: 6’4″
billcsco2002: good shape
billcsco2002: nice , not a weirdo,lol
Allison: Yes…
Allison: Hmmm…I’m not sure…
billcsco2002: lol
Allison: honestly, I have a few people I date right now. To add to the um…list…I’d want to see more than that. All you’ve told me is basic demographics.
Allison: That’s what you look like, how old you are, what you do for a living.
Allison: But who ARE you?
billcsco2002: hmmmm
billcsco2002: i really dont know or cant explain
Allison: Well…then I guess I’ll wish you a good evening.
billcsco2002: ok
billcsco2002: saorry to bother u
Allison: No bother at all.
Allison: Really.
Allison: Have fun out tonight.

1. Authenticity Without this, and without the self-knowledge/comfort that comes with it, how do I know that the rest is really what I’m getting? Of course, this can take quite a while to uncover, hence the reminder to GO SLOW!

2. Intelligence It’s just got to be there. I want to be able to be myself around him, so that means I don’t want to fear sounding like I’m talking down to him. Also, I’d love for him to have a strong intuitive function, even if he is a dominant sensor. There are just too many fun things in the world to notice when you’re an N!

3. Character I can’t emphasize enough how important this is to me, especially after several years with Scott. I am not looking for someone who is a complete goody-goody, but a strong moral and ethical framework has to be there. It’s all about integrity.

4. Personality Obviously, this could mean all kinds of things! For me, I want someone who is generally happy, optimistic, and yet still well-grounded. I want someone who likes to laugh and isn’t uptight. I want someone who likes kids, whether we decide to have them or not…people’s interactions with kids and animals say so much.

5. Chemistry Zap-kpow! would be nice, but sizzle with potential to burst into flames would be good as well. I found it interesting for me that this fell as far down on the list as it did…but not really that surprising. If the mental/emotional connection is there, I know that for me the physical side will follow.

6. Appearance Ah, my preference is for a classic, sort of “yuppy” looking man. Clean cut…a little outdoorsy (not too much of a suit-and-tie guy). Eddie Bauer versus Armani. EB wins.

7. Spirituality I want a man who believes in God. I want a man who is funamentally Christian. I do NOT want someone who is religious in the least.

8. Creativity He should have a spark of creativity in some way, and be able to appreciate my creative streak.

9. Ambition I’m not so concerned with ambition in the classic sense, other than he should have a goal to have a life that strikes a balance between “interesting” and “comfortable.”

10. Parenting Yes, this is important, if we have children. But, for me right now, children are a maybe, not a definitely. If I marry someone and we plan to have kids, this obviously moves up the list…probably to at least number 6 or 7…maybe even 5.

Weight. Gaining it as protection…we’ve talked about that.

How ’bout gaining it as a “test”…to see if someone really likes me or if they like the packaging?

When I met (ex-boyfriend), I was in pretty good shape (I still am, but right now am 10 lbs heavier). He would gripe at himself sometimes about having a little bit of a gut – which, sure, there’s some, but nothing really. I found him attractive. Thing is, I know that I’m in better shape than some of the girls he’s been with before…probably more so than most. But, I think with him, there is so much of an emphasis on appearances, that maybe I’ve put on some weight just to see if he’d drop me because of it? Maybe the “insides” are good enough, when the body is hot too, but lose that, and…well, just not enough?

I’m kind of going stream of consciousness here, as thoughts occur to me, by the way.

Again, another reason that I’ve hated to let go of (other ex-boyfriend), he’s made it clear that even when I weighed the most, he still found me very sexy and very desirable. That goes a long way; I know it’s not about how firm/soft I am, or what size I wear.

To give a little background on that, my mother has always, ALWAYS stressed about her weight. And, in a lot of ways, I think my father has contributed to that. There’s a picture of her – pre-kids – where she’s wearing a bikini. She probably weighed 105? 110? in the picture, but she told me that my dad had told her she should lose weight. What she really needed was to get some muscle, but that’s a different story. Anyway, over the years, Mom has gained weight, to where now she’s not quite 5’2″ yet she weighed close to 190. Now, years later, she’s seeing a nutritionist I recommended to her, and she’s getting her metabolism back together…but I think that her weight worries stuck with me when I was a kid. Mom’s learned to tell Dad to “Can it!” Isaac is tempermentally so similar to my father, I think I was afraid of the same cycle.

But I’m not my mother. And I embraced fitness in my 20s…for life. (I was very inactive in high school, but never fat.)

Back to weight as protection. Here’s a theory:

“If I’m a little pudgy when they fall in love with me, I know they love ME, and not just the packaging.”