The second of Dr. NCW’s ten principles for chosing the right mate is to be very familiar with what it is that you’re looking for, and how important each of those items is to you. In that, he proposes 10 attributes of a mate and describes what each means. He suggested ranking them, and writing down what they mean to YOU. I haven’t fleshed out all of the details on each item, but I have ranked them…these are in order from most important down:

1. Authenticity Without this, and without the self-knowledge/comfort that comes with it, how do I know that the rest is really what I’m getting? Of course, this can take quite a while to uncover, hence the reminder to GO SLOW!

2. Intelligence It’s just got to be there. I want to be able to be myself around him, so that means I don’t want to fear sounding like I’m talking down to him. Also, I’d love for him to have a strong intuitive function, even if he is a dominant sensor. There are just too many fun things in the world to notice when you’re an N!

3. Character I can’t emphasize enough how important this is to me, especially after several years with Scott. I am not looking for someone who is a complete goody-goody, but a strong moral and ethical framework has to be there. It’s all about integrity.

4. Personality Obviously, this could mean all kinds of things! For me, I want someone who is generally happy, optimistic, and yet still well-grounded. I want someone who likes to laugh and isn’t uptight. I want someone who likes kids, whether we decide to have them or not…people’s interactions with kids and animals say so much.

5. Chemistry Zap-kpow! would be nice, but sizzle with potential to burst into flames would be good as well. I found it interesting for me that this fell as far down on the list as it did…but not really that surprising. If the mental/emotional connection is there, I know that for me the physical side will follow.

6. Appearance Ah, my preference is for a classic, sort of “yuppy” looking man. Clean cut…a little outdoorsy (not too much of a suit-and-tie guy). Eddie Bauer versus Armani. EB wins.

7. Spirituality I want a man who believes in God. I want a man who is funamentally Christian. I do NOT want someone who is religious in the least.

8. Creativity He should have a spark of creativity in some way, and be able to appreciate my creative streak.

9. Ambition I’m not so concerned with ambition in the classic sense, other than he should have a goal to have a life that strikes a balance between “interesting” and “comfortable.”

10. Parenting Yes, this is important, if we have children. But, for me right now, children are a maybe, not a definitely. If I marry someone and we plan to have kids, this obviously moves up the list…probably to at least number 6 or 7…maybe even 5.

Post written to my “therapy” blog just after an IM session with my counselor.

Weight. Gaining it as protection…we’ve talked about that.

How ’bout gaining it as a “test”…to see if someone really likes me or if they like the packaging?

When I met (ex-boyfriend), I was in pretty good shape (I still am, but right now am 10 lbs heavier). He would gripe at himself sometimes about having a little bit of a gut – which, sure, there’s some, but nothing really. I found him attractive. Thing is, I know that I’m in better shape than some of the girls he’s been with before…probably more so than most. But, I think with him, there is so much of an emphasis on appearances, that maybe I’ve put on some weight just to see if he’d drop me because of it? Maybe the “insides” are good enough, when the body is hot too, but lose that, and…well, just not enough?

I’m kind of going stream of consciousness here, as thoughts occur to me, by the way.

Again, another reason that I’ve hated to let go of (other ex-boyfriend), he’s made it clear that even when I weighed the most, he still found me very sexy and very desirable. That goes a long way; I know it’s not about how firm/soft I am, or what size I wear.

To give a little background on that, my mother has always, ALWAYS stressed about her weight. And, in a lot of ways, I think my father has contributed to that. There’s a picture of her – pre-kids – where she’s wearing a bikini. She probably weighed 105? 110? in the picture, but she told me that my dad had told her she should lose weight. What she really needed was to get some muscle, but that’s a different story. Anyway, over the years, Mom has gained weight, to where now she’s not quite 5’2″ yet she weighed close to 190. Now, years later, she’s seeing a nutritionist I recommended to her, and she’s getting her metabolism back together…but I think that her weight worries stuck with me when I was a kid. Mom’s learned to tell Dad to “Can it!” Isaac is tempermentally so similar to my father, I think I was afraid of the same cycle.

But I’m not my mother. And I embraced fitness in my 20s…for life. (I was very inactive in high school, but never fat.)

Back to weight as protection. Here’s a theory:

“If I’m a little pudgy when they fall in love with me, I know they love ME, and not just the packaging.”