Extreme Cognitive Dissonance.

I began my own effort to receive an answer from God that The Church was true. I didn’t realize at that time that it was too late. My paradigm had shifted. For the first time ever I had already peeked through Door #2, the door marked “It’s Not True!!!” Once you’ve looked through that door, going back is like trying to pretend that Santa is real once you know he’s not.

Reading this, I feel much as if someone has dipped into my own head. When I began this blog, it was with a “seeker’s” mentality — that I wanted to find The Truth. Thing is, I was comfortable that “truth” would somehow involve the religious beliefs from my childhood. They might have been morphed, perhaps (into a more *genuinely* compassionate and bleeding-heart Jesus-was-a-Liberal variety), but they’d still be there.

I read. And I thought. And the whole time, I buried my head in the sand about what was happening inside of my head and heart. I was becoming — if not atheist — most definitely agnostic. Then came a question from Arwen, one that woke me up. As I wrote an answer, I started to ask myself, Am I Christian at All? After that initial moment of questioning, I quickly resumed convincing myself that I was still a Believer. Whew! Dodged that bullet, didn’t I?

But the thing is, I’d peeked behind the door.

I’d looked behind the Wizard’s curtain to see the old man.

Or maybe I’d opened Pandora’s box. (How fun to use mythology to discuss my losing a belief in religion, no?)

Whatever the label, I’d opened my mind to a train of thought that relied less on fear and tradition and more on what I saw — and what I truly believed. I was on the path to resolving my own cognitive dissonance. I can’t tell you exactly when it happened. This was not a sudden “ah-ha!” moment. Slowly, gradually, I started to realize that when my mouth spoke words about God, I felt like a liar in my head — because I didn’t believe what I was saying. At some point, I finally admitted to myself…I’m not Christian.

There. I said it.

Do you have any idea how difficult that is to write, especially knowing the friends (and family) who read my words here, and for whom this will seem a blow? In part, I think this is why I’ve avoided writing much of late…because this is such a huge shift (yet one that happened over time) in my thinking, that it fundamentally changes who I am, my identity.

The one thing I ask of you, my friends and readers, is this. Feel free to leave comments to this post. Mourn the eternal fate that you believe I’m choosing. If you’re convinced of God’s/Jesus’ work, pray for me at will, if that helps you to feel better. But don’t try to “reconvert” me. Please respect something that isn’t so much a decision I made, but a reality that I’m finally admitting.

So, addressing this post’s title — perhaps the blog name will still apply. It just may be only in the rolling-my-eyes sense…not to be taken literally. But, most likely, to align my blog with my own thoughts, I’ll re-christen (ha!) it, complete with a new subdomain name.

~~~~~

Update: I wrote the contents of this post on December 7, and with the passing of time, I’ve found that the words hold true. I’m no longer Christian — or any other religion, for that matter. This quote tidily sums up my thoughts on the subject:

For me, it is far better to grasp the Universe as it really is than to persist in delusion, however satisfying and reassuring.

– Carl Sagan

As a part of what has already existed in my heart and mind for sometime — but I am only now admitting even to myself — this blog will retire. Its mission was one of seeking, whether in respect to dating/love, politics and answers or spirituality and religion. I still will always seek improvement to my life, but not in the way this blog typified.

My new online home is still somewhat under construction (okay, it’s extremely under construction — I somehow thought that I’d have time to finish the theme after returning from my honeymoon in Costa Rica), but it’s open for visitors. Drop in and have a cup of joe, or a beer, or a glass of wine. I’ll be glad to see you, even if (when!) we disagree on some fundamental issues of life.

My new online home:

It is what it is.

Welcome to Reality.
If you lived here, you’d be home now.

Mr. Annan said in a written statement: “The problem is not the Koran or the Torah or the Bible. Indeed, I have often said that the problem is never the faith, it is the faithful and how they behave toward each other.”

Also from NYT: For Evangelicals, Supporting Israel Is ‘God’s Foreign Policy’

Mr. Hagee says his message for the White House was, “Every time there has been a fight like [Lebanon in July] over the last 50 years, the State Department would send someone over in a jet to call for a cease-fire. The terrorists would rest, rearm and retaliate.” He added, “Appeasement has never helped the Jewish people.”

One side says to educate and to teach people how to see each other as human. The other says to bomb them all. Gee, I wonder why we don’t have any peace in the Middle East? At this point, I’m really wanting to re-read Tom Robbins’ Skinny Legs and All. The storyline used to seem like an over-the-top farce of people trying to force God’s hand for the end times. Now, it seems not only plausible, but likely.

I noticed the bookmark for the Belief-o-Matic, and realized it might be enlightening (or amusing, at the least) to retake the quiz. I’m come to terms with (and made peace with) many beliefs that I’ve realized I have — and do not have. Here are my current state-of-mind results:

Your Results:

The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

1.  Unitarian Universalism (100%) 2.  Liberal Quakers (87%) 3.  Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (82%) 4.  Neo-Pagan (82%) 5.  Secular Humanism (78%) 6.  Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (71%) 7.  New Age (69%) 8.  Theravada Buddhism (69%) 9.  Mahayana Buddhism (68%) 10.  New Thought (61%) 11.  Taoism (58%) 12.  Scientology (57%) 13.  Hinduism (55%) 14.  Nontheist (52%) 15.  Bahá’í Faith (50%) 16.  Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (44%) 17.  Sikhism (43%) 18.  Reform Judaism (42%) 19.  Jainism (41%) 20.  Orthodox Quaker (40%) 21.  Jehovah’s Witness (33%) 22.  Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (31%) 23.  Seventh Day Adventist (18%) 24.  Orthodox Judaism (17%) 25.  Eastern Orthodox (15%) 26.  Islam (15%) 27.  Roman Catholic (15%)

Things have changed, and I feel very comfortable/confident with what I’ve discovered about my own beliefs. More on that — and on the future of this blog — coming soon.

On a BMW X5. Whaaaa? Um, okay.

~~~~~

driving along a country-ish road in Arizona

Mike: Oh! That burns me up Did you see that church?

Me: No. What did it say?

Mike: “No Jesus. No Peace. Know Jesus. Know Peace.”

Me: (mildly confused) Right, and?

Mike: It’s an ultimatum, a threat. Join our particular brand of religion, or else we’ll kill you all.

Me: I don’t think it’s meant to come across that way. They’re talking about peace in your heart, peace in your life — not a threat for world domination. So, you’ve always thought it was a threat of “our way or we’ll wage war?”

Mike: Well, yeah.

Me: Hmmm. Guess I’d better blog that one. I’ve never thought of it that way before.

~~~~~

Public Service Announcement

The Mike whom I’m marrying next month wishes for me to clarify that he’s not the same person as the Mike who comments here on a regular basis. Just so ya know…

He reads (yes, he’s even read my early on gushing), but has yet to delurk.

Nope, not mine this time — I literally mean “the news.” Jim Wallis (Sojourners) and Tony Perkins (Family Research Council) will be on the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric this evening to discus the “Moral Direction of our Country.” I’m recording it, and if there’s anything worth talking (or ranting) about, you’ll see it here tomorrow. Or late tonight, since Mike’s coming in late, and I’ll want to keep myself up. Then again, I might just watch Grey’s Anatomy.

Second: Being told who you are

After knocking off one more of the seemingly endless list of wedding to-dos (finding shoes), I emailed Mike with an FYI that the ones I’d picked would be sent to the dress shop for me to try on, and buy them if I like them. He replied, You are so organized. Meanwhile, I keep looking at my to-do list for the next 3 hours and wondering how it will all get done.

Me? Organized? Oh, right. I actually *am* organized. So, how is it, that I’ve spent years playing the familial role of the flighty one who can’t be pinned down? And how is it, then, that even though I KNOW I’m capable of pulling multiple long-eared rodents out of numerous items of headwear, that I still sometimes in my head don’t see myself that way, after years of being told who I’m supposed to be (but am not)? Confused yet?

No answers here…just musing and indulging myself in some serious run-on sentences.

Now, off to cross some more things off my list that might actually pay the bills. I hate that part. That post (work/worth) is still brewing in my head. Someday, I might even get myself *organized* enough (snort) to write it.

“I love my church, and I’m a Catholic who was raised by intellectuals who were very devout. I was raised to believe that you could question the church and still be a Catholic. What is worthy of satire is the misuse of religion for destructive or political gains. That’s totally different from the Word, the blood, the body, and the Christ. His kingdom is not of this earth.”

- Stephen Colbert, of The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.

(emphasis added)

Hear, hear.

A few years ago, I first started to actively reconnect with my own Sprituality, but bucked hard at the idea of Christianity, because I felt like in order to consider it, I had to lose myself. One Sunday afternoon in May, 2003, this is what came into my head from “seemingly” nowhere:

You have stayed away from Me and run away from Me because you were afraid that I would make you change into someone different. You think you know who that would be, and you see her as boring, drab, and deprived of life, interest, and excitement.

I haven’t come to change you into anyone other than who you are. I have come to peel away the layers that you have surrounded yourself with, and to remove the veils that encircle you one at a time, until you stand before me naked, exposed, and utterly gorgeous. And utterly you. I didn’t create you, Allison, to be a shy, drab church mouse. Why would I create your sparkling personality just to then tell you to be something other than who you are? I don’t work that way. I had great things in mind when I created you, and if you will just let Me, I’ll blow your mind with how different your relationship with Me will be than you’ve ever imagined.

Like I wrote the other day, I was made to dance. If I’d just remember that (and stop trying to run), I’d be a much more relaxed human being, don’tcha think? My feelings about Christianity are still rather ambivalent, but that doesn’t change the message. Whether words like these come from God, from The Great Spirit, or merely from my higher self, they’re just as meaningful.

God
Please watch over the patients in the hospital
and let them
live
another day,

even if they hoped that they would never awake from

Maria shares a prayer, and reminds me yet again why I can imagine becoming a psychologist, but not a psychiatrist.

Without even trying, she also expresses how I often feel about God: questioning, angry, but still looking and hopeful that he/she/it is out there.

Guilt is the tragic delusion of culpability without the comic relief of sin.

Face it, we all need a little comic relief.